NO PARENTS

More than a few rumors have been circling about the members of Los Angeles punk band 'No Parents'. Among them:

Frontman Zoë Reign is the only living member of the long extinct human subspecies, homo erectus. His cave-tatted and zaftig body was found perfectly preserved within a gigantic slab of dank resin, excavated from a North Hollywood backyard by a pair of teenaged twins, whom, in the throes of a Blue Dream-edible-induced bad trip, had become convinced that the ghost of G.G. Allin would haunt their local sesh spot were they not to unearth a mysterious object from behind their uncle's ranch house.
Bassist Killian LeDuke is both blessed and cursed by his possession of a rare Poon-Slayer's Statuette, which in appearance is not far off from the Venus of {look up}, but unlike that ancient artifact, is said to faintly emit the chorus of the Stooges' "T.V. Eye", a tune which grows louder if the object comes within the presence of a particularly bodacious babe. Accounts conflict on the actual psychophysical effects of the totem– make your own call if you ever come within 5-10 feet of Mr. LeDuke.
Guitarist Ryan McGuffin learned how to play his scintillating riffs from a group of hyperintelligent Fender-wielding crustaceans. One day while surfing Leo Carrillo during a super gnarly swell, he was pulled under (after getting way too pitted in a tube of opaque Pacific trash-water.) Rendered unconscious by a critical case of board-to-dome, he would have certainly perished beneath the waves had he not been furnished with scuba gear by the aforementioned rock lobsters. Somewhere along the line, the rumor goes, they taught him how to shred, but the details here are fuzzy, as it remains unclear how these clawed creatures could pluck a guitar string without snapping it, not to mention how an amp could function underwater.
Monty, the drummer, is an alien.

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Interesting as these rumors may be, their veracity is far beside the point. No Parents play rock and roll music and they play it well. Oh fuck yes they do.

-WA

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A union of anarchy and despair --super teen bobbers from your 2008 wet dreams who don't believe in google.

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