jay brannan was born under a rock in the coldest part of the himalayas where he was raised by trappist monks who taught him to maintain his body temperature without the necessity of food and clothing through intense meditation and really hard drinking. shortly after his first birthday, he suffered a graphic and painful death to a hungry mountain lion who wasn't so good at meditation and just needed a hearty snack.

it wasn't long however before jay's indomitable spirit reappeared in southeast texas to a family who actually wanted a girl. in many ways, they got what they wanted, yet the compromise seemed to be much more controversial than the original disappoinment. after years and years of southern baptist immersion in texas, canada, and oklahoma, jay found himself once again outside houston, TX, continuing in the public school system (quite similar to cattle herding, state prisons, or perhaps even the new york city healthcare system) and a conservative, repressive society infiltrated by a mixture of religion, rebellion, used car lots, and lots of barbecue (the latter being the most repulsive?).

by 1999, jay really threw a wrench in a small town's gears when he decided that he hated high school so much that he would graduate in three years. he then moved on to scarier territories by attending the university of cincinnati's acting program where he was kicked out after six months because they no longer needed his slave labor services to build sets for the musical theatre and opera students. it was quite the blessing in disguise, however. rather than transferring to another school and wasting more time and money going to college for a degree only slightly more useful than aromatherapy, he moved to palm springs, CA, to live with a man he met on the internet.

obviously that didn't last long.

in a matter of months, jay found himself living in los angeles, CA, in a tiny studio apartment off the sunset strip. what a star, huh? well, eventually the bathroom of that studio fell through into the garage below. so jay moved in with the guy he had been dating for a whole month. i mean, the guy's roommate had moved out...the timing was perfect, right?

right. so after that, jay moved into another little apartment in hollywood where he remained for about a year until moving to new york city where he has currently resided since 2003.

i guess at some point i should write a paragraph or two about all that's happened in the last 8 years, but i mean this thing is already so effing long...